To The Cabin On Ruminant Lake
Now for those of you who have been following along, you are well aware that this journey, this trek, this other synonymous word, did not originate with your beloved and eternally cherished author. Be it my second such "Winter Excursion", others in fact have gone before me to take up journey into the deathly maw of the insatiable and merciless mother nature, although they probably did not call it "Winter Excursion" because that thought was original and unique to me alone. It is likely that they called it something other that that.
No, this "snow time jaunt" of theirs (for lack of another, non-copyrighted, term) is an ancient tradition hearkening back to the bronze age Bell-Beaker People, as a right of passage for boys to become men and for men to become boys (which is probably why it happens every year, as they had need of being turned back somehow from their previous year's transformation). Unfortunately there are only two such Bell-Beaker People left on the face of this planet. They are Mike and Pat, the last of a once proud and prosperous people. (unfortunately Pat was not able to make this trip. Apparently his wife had come down with a illness known as "pregnancy" - hope that clears up Pat!) *
Many have studied the Bell-Beaker culture. Many artifacts remain from their glorious time here on earth and archaeologists have spent many centuries trying to piece together a coherent understanding of just how these people lived and how they understood their lives . Of course i am privileged because i have recourse to the last living remains of that fascinating culture, the very last Bell-Beaker people, Mike and Pat. I am privy to information many archaeologists would kill for. And so these tales of mine are of particular anthropological significance aside from their highly substantial and greatly esteemed literary value.
To give you more of an idea of just who these Bell-Beaker people were, during the prime of their existence thousands of years ago, I offer you a visual representation of what these people may have looked like, and how they interacted:
No, this "snow time jaunt" of theirs (for lack of another, non-copyrighted, term) is an ancient tradition hearkening back to the bronze age Bell-Beaker People, as a right of passage for boys to become men and for men to become boys (which is probably why it happens every year, as they had need of being turned back somehow from their previous year's transformation). Unfortunately there are only two such Bell-Beaker People left on the face of this planet. They are Mike and Pat, the last of a once proud and prosperous people. (unfortunately Pat was not able to make this trip. Apparently his wife had come down with a illness known as "pregnancy" - hope that clears up Pat!) *
Many have studied the Bell-Beaker culture. Many artifacts remain from their glorious time here on earth and archaeologists have spent many centuries trying to piece together a coherent understanding of just how these people lived and how they understood their lives . Of course i am privileged because i have recourse to the last living remains of that fascinating culture, the very last Bell-Beaker people, Mike and Pat. I am privy to information many archaeologists would kill for. And so these tales of mine are of particular anthropological significance aside from their highly substantial and greatly esteemed literary value.
To give you more of an idea of just who these Bell-Beaker people were, during the prime of their existence thousands of years ago, I offer you a visual representation of what these people may have looked like, and how they interacted:
As you can see here, depicted in this drawing, a high priest of the Bell-Beaker people warns the others of "caverns and cauldrons and witches" during one of their ancient "snow time jaunts".
Although most academic studies and research concerning the Bell-Beakers have produced highly entertaining speculations, some information (though by no means the majority of what is considered conventional) is surprisingly accurate. On the other hand, I know for a fact--having, as I've said, some very privy information on how this great culture acts and has acted in the past--that many established and widely recognized claims about these people are, in fact, erroneous. Many reproductions, representations and attempts at recreating certain aspects of this culture, such as tool making and dress, are riddled with highly inaccurate propositions.
For example, take a look at this guy:
You may think this man is attempting to reenact something of the culture of the bronze age Bell-Beaker people. But all you ladies out there, don't be fooled.
Who is he trying to impress with that smooth, lusty, leather smock and that hip Hollywood hairstyle?
(Or need i point out that aloof, bad-boy, attitude that says, "Frankly my dear, whether this arrow-head is supposed to be imitating those fashioned in the early Bronze Age circa 3,000 BCE or the late Bronze Age circa 1,500 BCE,...i don't give a damn)."
Yeah, sure, he may look a lot like Mel Gibson in "Brave Heart" or maybe Daniel Day-Lewis in "Last of the Mahicans," but don't be fooled by all his Renaissance Festival flair, that "Dungeons and Dragons" style of erotic allure defined by, what i can only imagine to be a natural, musky odor of sweat, or that, unshaven, raw sexual energy that is typical of the, at least in this day and age, rampantly, over-idealized Dungeon Master mystique.
Ladies, don't be fooled by men who dress like this. They only want one thing from you, and they'll do anything to convince you of their bronze age cultural authenticity just to get it.
This man is a complete fraud!
Who is he trying to impress with that smooth, lusty, leather smock and that hip Hollywood hairstyle?
(Or need i point out that aloof, bad-boy, attitude that says, "Frankly my dear, whether this arrow-head is supposed to be imitating those fashioned in the early Bronze Age circa 3,000 BCE or the late Bronze Age circa 1,500 BCE,...i don't give a damn)."
Yeah, sure, he may look a lot like Mel Gibson in "Brave Heart" or maybe Daniel Day-Lewis in "Last of the Mahicans," but don't be fooled by all his Renaissance Festival flair, that "Dungeons and Dragons" style of erotic allure defined by, what i can only imagine to be a natural, musky odor of sweat, or that, unshaven, raw sexual energy that is typical of the, at least in this day and age, rampantly, over-idealized Dungeon Master mystique.
This is not what Bell-Beaker People actually look like.
Ladies, don't be fooled by men who dress like this. They only want one thing from you, and they'll do anything to convince you of their bronze age cultural authenticity just to get it.
That being said, and all other criticism aside, the conventional view which lends to them a portion of their archaeologically established namesake, that these people traveled with bell shaped ceramic vessels, is not entirely wrong.
Here is a picture of one of these alleged vessels attributed to the Bell-Beaker People:
Beautiful, yes, but it doesn't tell the whole story (or even part of it). You see, what conventional archeology tells us is that these people carried all manner of goods within these vessels, carrying them great distances, i would guess, during their "snow time jaunts".Now common sense tells me that this would be very awkward. How do you carry these things? They have no handles, they have no wheels. It would be awkwardly encumbering, to say the least.
Well, the answer came to me when Mike and I arrived at the cabin we were to stay at the first day of our travels, on "Ruminant" Lake.
Well, the answer came to me when Mike and I arrived at the cabin we were to stay at the first day of our travels, on "Ruminant" Lake.
The gate at the beginning of the road to the cabin was locked when we arrived. And I discovered that i did not have the key to unlock it. So we had to carry some of our things from the car to the cabin along that road.
Now look carefully at the following pictures. The Bell-Beakers are a lot more clever than the so called "legitimate" archaeologists give them credit for. They did not carry huge ceramic vessels without handles or wheels. In fact quite the opposite.
Handles AND Wheels!
These people know how to travel in the wilderness. What ingenuity! I can't think of a better way to carry one's possessions through the snow.
Once we arrived at the cabin we unloaded and got settled in.
I then took a few pictures of the lake, which i have decided to call
"Ruminant Lake" for purposes of anonymity.
Here is my attempt at a panoramic. Obviously flawed and unlike the pictures Pat would have been able to take if he had the balls to leave his wife behind in her time of need for the sake of the, far more important, Winter Excursion. Anyway you can at least get an idea of what it looks like here.
(again to see this or any image better just click on it)
Once we arrived at the cabin we unloaded and got settled in.
I then took a few pictures of the lake, which i have decided to call
"Ruminant Lake" for purposes of anonymity.
Here is my attempt at a panoramic. Obviously flawed and unlike the pictures Pat would have been able to take if he had the balls to leave his wife behind in her time of need for the sake of the, far more important, Winter Excursion. Anyway you can at least get an idea of what it looks like here.
(again to see this or any image better just click on it)
It's beautiful isn't it?
That's what i thought while overlooking it. And that is why i made the decision that, for our first adventure, we must urgently conquer and defile that beauty.
In unrelated news, the baby gnomes dropped off a little baby boy at Pat's front stoop a little while back! It's like he won a baby lottery. Congrats Pat.
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That's what i thought while overlooking it. And that is why i made the decision that, for our first adventure, we must urgently conquer and defile that beauty.
* update: since the time of my writing this, Pat's wife's illness cleared up. Apparently they were able to locate the cause of this pregnancy and remove it in time.
In unrelated news, the baby gnomes dropped off a little baby boy at Pat's front stoop a little while back! It's like he won a baby lottery. Congrats Pat.
-------------------->NEXT PAGE<--------------------
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